


All the White Horses

by Sonny



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-04-20
Updated: 2005-04-20
Packaged: 2017-10-13 14:21:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/138320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sonny/pseuds/Sonny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael waits for Brian, while watching Jenny Rebecca... Jenny wonders what's bothering her Daddy...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This came to me, in a thought bubble, while writing HIDEAWAY; I was innocently listening to this song by Tori Amos and it screamed at me to be written; I send this out to my original *K-Dawg*, Keren/orangecloudgirl... because... 1) I want to and I can - 2) She LOVES Tori Amos - 3) She's devoted to listening to music and being inspired to write fic, like *I* am - 4) I miss her and will try every chance I get to see her beautiful face... and lastly... - 5) No matter where I am, what part of North America I find myself dwelling... she's in my thoughts; even after our numerous *failed* attempts to converse One-on-One... we STILL manage to care about one another, while one of us isn't looking... Much Love and Respect, K-Dawg, I've always got your back... Consider this my *love song* to you... the way Brian calls Mikey *pathetic*...

  
**"Winter"**   


 

 _  
By Tori Amos   
_

 

:  
 _  
 **Snow can wait**  
_  
 _  
 **I forgot my mittens**  
_  
 _  
 **Wipe my nose**  
_  
 _  
 **Get my new boots on**  
_  
**********************

  


  
**Winter - 1984 {Flashback}**   


"Michael Charles Novotny! Where do you think you're going?!"

The ebony haired imp had spent a few minutes putting on his outdoor clothes, ending up having to wipe his nose with his sleeve after all that exertion. His new snow boots were on and he was ready to dirty them with the pure whiteness on the ground.

"Ma! It's snowing." Michael impatiently fidgeted near the front door, his hand on the knob to turn.

"Michael!"

"MA! All the other kids are outside playing! If I don't hurry, they'll..."

"But I'm not mothering ALL the other kids. You're my son... and I say you..."

Vic let the Sunday morning newspaper fall from his face as he relaxed back in the old recliner that had seen better days. "For Christ's sake, woman... let the child go outside! I'm tired of hearing you yell at him. He's a kid. Let him enjoy the snow on his day off."

They had gotten back from church early. Lunch was being cooked in the kitchen.

Debbie Novotny stood, hands on hips, in the doorway of her kitchen. She wanted to argue, put her foot down with HER son... but once her eyes focused on Michael's sweet face... she couldn't refuse him anything. "Okay, but... stay out of the street. And... don't throw snowballs at the house or the car. Stay in the front yard and if you want to go play with the neighborhood kids... please make sure another parent is with you. Or come and get me or Vic..."

Michael let the widest grin out. "Thanks, Ma." He made sure to give her the *look* she always said melted her heart, before he opened the front door.

"Hey!" Debbie pointed and screeched.

"What?!" Michael begged, his eyes watching as an entire group of children walked by his house, toward the neighborhood park.

"Where are your mittens?" Debbie strolled close, hoping Michael didn't think he could go out exposed in freezing weather like this.

Michael looked down at his bare hands. "I don't know." He scratched at his hairline, deep in thought.

"Michael... I just bought you a pair last week. Don't tell me you've lost them again?!" Debbie walked over to the coat rack. She didn't know what to do about Michael and constantly losing his mittens, or anything that wasn't attached to him. She found a foreign jacket on the rack, which might have been Vic's at one time. She discovered a pair of gloves inside the pockets.

"Okay then... I won't..." Michael made a face of stupidity.

Vic chuckled behind his newspaper.

"Don't sass me, Michael Charles."

"Sorry, Ma." Michael stared down at his new snow boots. He could see that all the other children were leaving him. If he didn't hurry, he'd have no one to go with and he'd be left alone, yet again. "Ma... can I go now?"

"No. Here." Debbie turned around, holding out a pair of warm leather gloves, with inlay rabbit fur, to Michael. "Wear these."

Michael's eyes widened in awe. When had he suddenly graduated from mittens to gloves? "Ma... I don't think..." His head was shaking as he reached for the tough leather. Too much responsibility to take care of them. He let the soft material filter in between his fingers.

Debbie crossed her arms over her ample bosom. She hated doing this, but sometimes lying was the best possible way to keep from telling someone the god awful truth. "They were... your father's..."

Vic inched down the paper, looking over at Debbie. His eyes squinted toward the gloves in his nephew's hands. They looked very familiar to him. He bit his lips to keep from speaking the truth he knew was being evaded. He often wonder how his older sister had become so cruel, especially to her own son. Then thought... was there anything in their past, as close siblings, she had lied to HIM about?

"Really?" Michael's eyes rounded even more, if possible. Now he knew he couldn't walk outside and play in them. He sniffed, feeling the moisture gather in his eyes every time he heard mention of his dead father. Anything that was given to him of his father's... Michael cherished... greatly. "Whoa! Cool beans."

Debbie second guessed herself, wondering if that had been a good way to make Michael remember to keep his things with him. She covered a hand over her mouth. She couldn't bear to glance at Vic, knowing he'd recognized his own gloves.  


***********************************  
 _  
 **I get a little warm in my heart**  
_  
 _  
 **When I think of winter**  
_  
 _  
 **I put my hand in my father's glove**  
_  
***********************************

  
Michael slipped the gloves on, loving the feel of the soft fur on his chilled hands. He knew they would be kept warm. They were quite big, but given time... he could grow into them. He silently vowed to never lose these special gloves and they would always... always remind him of winter... his favorite time of year...

One day... once he was alone... he'd send a thanks to his father...

"Thanks, Ma." Michael ran up to hug his mother, wrapping his two little arms about her chubby waist. He buried his face in her stomach, inhaling her sweet scent.

Debbie drew her own arms about her baby son, sinking her head to kiss his brow and rest her cheek on top of his head. She nearly choked on her own tears, clogging her voice from speaking. "You be careful out there, Michael." She patted him, which consequently ended up directly on his padded bottom. She soothed and petted the rounded surface.

"I will, Ma... I will..." Michael spoke tenderly, holding his mother for one last minute, reassuring her that he'd be okay, out there, in the Big Wide, Scary World. "I won't be gone long. I promise."

"Have fun." Debbie pulled up straight, pushing Michael away and out of her reach. She didn't need her son making her foolish promises, only to be let down. He would grow up to be a man, after all... and most of them were good for nothing. She had vowed to raise him right, without a father.  


******************************************  
 _  
 **I run off**  
_  
 _  
 **Where the drifts get deeper**  
_  
 _  
 **Sleeping beauty trips me with a frown**  
_  
 _  
 **I hear a voice**  
_  
 _  
 **"You must learn to stand up for yourself**  
_  
 _  
 **Cause I can't always be around"**  
_  
******************************************

  
Michael waved goodbye to his uncle, before quickly heading out the front door, down the steps and across the front yard.

The snow was a little encompassing but Michael made it through. The only problem being... once he got to the sidewalk, and found his way to the end of the block... there was nobody there to walk with.

The other kids were already a mile away. Three parents were shepherding them along the messy sidewalk toward the park, dragging sleds with them.

Michael opened his mouth to call out, but they were too far away to hear him. He tugged on his gloves, attempting to make them fit, even when they didn't. He sighed, shaking his head at his dumb luck.

Man... he really, really wanted to go sledding... more then anything else. But he looked back at how far away the crowd was compared to his house. He promised his mother he wouldn't go far without supervision and he never broke promises with her. He had often made some without her knowing, giving up much of his time of playing to help her around the house. As he walked back home, he continued to stare at the disappearing children.

The park had the best hills to sled off of... and Michael knew he was missing out. As he trudged back up the sidewalk, across his front yard... he knew of one place where he could spend the rest of his time and enjoy the snow fall.

Michael was about ready to turn and walk toward his tiny backyard when he heard the tell-tale scraping of a plastic sled on cement. Were there more kids coming... on their way to the park? He lifted his head, looking up his side of the street... there was no one. He glanced across the street and down... catching sight of one kid, dragging a sled around his waist by yellow rope, letting it scrape the sidewalk behind him as he walked.

The boy looked about his age, but not dressed for snow. The jacket too thin. The knitted cap barely covering his shaggy brown hair. The scarf wasn't even wrapped around his neck, just dangling down his coat lapels. His jeans were wet and dirtied, like he'd fallen in snow... or been pushed. He looked down as he paced, never lifting his head as if ashamed or hiding his face from view.

Michael smiled, watching the boy walk on by, hoping to be seen so he could ask where he was going. Maybe he could join the boy... but then he'd have to get his mother or Vic to come with them. So he backed down from approaching, not sure that this boy looked appealing as *friend* material or not.

 _"Michael..."_

 

The voice came gently with the breeze.

 

 _"... go to him..."_

Michael shut his eyes, knowing who's voice spoke to him, especially at times like these. "I can't. Ma says..." He muttered as he squinted toward the boy making his way past him, on the other side of the street. He was so afraid of nobody liking him. His own fears keeping him company and alone.

 _"He needs a friend, Michael. Especially now..."_

 

The voice brought a tender hand to Michael's shoulder, squeezing strongly and sending courage through the simple touch.

"How do you...?" Michael closed his eyes again. "Never mind. What do I do if I get in trouble?"

 _"You must learn to stand up for yourself, `cause I can't always be around"_

Michael still had his eyes shut tightly. "I miss you..."

 _"I know, son..."_

 

The touch grew more severe, holding Michael down from fleeing in fright or turning around to find out that there was nothing behind him. The person he was thinking about a figment of his imagination.

 

 _"... but I'm not real... I never was..."_

"I know, Dad, but..." Michael re-opened his eyes, wanting desperately to turn around... fall into his father's arms... seeking love, comfort and acceptance. "... I like talking to you. You're fun to be with and you make the best snowmen..."

The light, airy laughter carried over the cool wind, ruffling the trees, blowing the snow in all directions. _"I know someone who makes them even better then I can."_

Michael felt his body being maneuvered to face the boy across the street. His face flushed red, he puffed out his cheeks. "I don't know. He seems awfully busy to be bothered." He didn't like being a bother to anyone, not even his own family. The rejections, no matter what form, were what hurt the worst.

 _"I don't deserve you... but I know who does..."_

 

With a pat to his padded bottom, Michael was pushed in the direction toward the boy.

"But... Dad..." Michael swiveled to find... no one standing behind him. No tracks marred the pristine snow except his own. "Daddy?" He mumbled out incoherently on a dry sob, almost willing to bawl right in front of everybody and man kind. He was barely of an age where sobbing like a baby was still considered... sane and he wouldn't be called a pussy.

Michael didn't have many friends or have ones for a very long time. The ones he did have seemed to only tolerate him for a few years and then suddenly ditch him... for better friends, the more popular kids. He was alright with that, because he usually found those old ex-friends not worth the fight.

In frequent times of solitude, Michael found comfort in himself. Most of all he found comfort in his imagination. His mind could be one of his best friends. Even going so far as conjuring up a ghost-like image of his father that would pop up periodically... and give him sage advice. He knew this person wasn't real, but it was cool to pretend that his father was actually here, faintly parenting him and making a *mark* on his sanity.

The problem was... the only image Michael had of his father was in his uniform before he went to Vietnam and was killed, never to return home. So... his ImaginaryDad wore the same uniform, constricting though the wool was and cumbersome to wear in hot weather. Michael would often allow the image to walk around with the jacket off or wear another heavier jacket in winter months.

Best of all... his ImaginaryDad spoke to him like a real dad would. Or, at least, what Michael's thoughts were of how a real father should talk to his son.

If Michael closed his eyes tight enough, he could envision his father bending in front of him, encouraging him to pursue his own wants... his own desires... and not treating him like he was still a little child, fresh out of the nursery.

Like his own mother seemed to do all too often.  


******************************************  
 _  
 **He says**  
_  
 _  
 **When you gonna make up your mind**  
_  
 _  
 **When you gonna love you as much as I do**  
_  
 _  
 **When you gonna make up your mind**  
_  
 _  
 **Cause things are gonna change so fast**  
_  
 _  
 **All the white horses are still in bed**  
_  
 _  
 **I tell you that I'll always want you near**  
_  
 _  
 **You say that things change my dear**  
_  
*******************************************

  
Countless of times, Michael heard the words reverberated into his mind, this time was no different then the others.  
 _  
"Things change, Michael... so fast, in the blink of an eye, before we're even aware... be firm in what you want, no one else will... don't expect anybody to take care of you, for you will always be disappointed... Be your own *_

 

 _  
**hero***   
_

 

 _... and always remember... I will never... be far... whenever you need me..."_

 

The soft hand tender on Michael's cold cheek, ruffling his already messy hair.

Michael blinked his meager tears gone, wishing them away as hard as he wished for his father to be near.

"Hey! Wait!" Michael called out, waving his gloved hand in the air.

The boy stopped, turned to look over at him. "What?!"

Michael looked back at his house, fearful of his mother's *all-seeing, all-knowing* eyes in the back of her head finding out what he was doing. He crossed the street, fitting himself between parked cars to make it to the boy's side. "Hi... I'm Michael... want some company?" He pointed down to the sled. "I can carry that for you."

The way Michael was being looked down upon by those hazel eyes... he, normally, wouldn't have pursued this friendly transaction.

The boy squinted his eyes to speak out on how small the kid was compared to his sled, but he shut his lips. "Not really." He muttered gruffly, turning back to head in the direction he was going. "I'm not on my way to the park. With those... other kids."

"Oh, yeah?" Michael followed quickly, picking up his pace with the hurried steps.

"Yeah... so I'll take you as far as there, but... I'm not going into that sissy-fied park. I know where there are some killer hills to sled off of."

"You do?!" Michael eyes widened with excitement. His eyes caught sight of the red, chapped hands of the boy being tucked under his arm pits after he blew on them. "Hey... stop..." He reached out to grab the jacket of the boy. The material was light and threadbare, like it had been used for years and never replaced. He saw an area where the seam had torn, stuffing coming out. "Come home with me." He kept his hand on the thin biceps.

"Say what?" The boy started to chuckle, deeply, from his belly.

"Look... a few minutes... a slight detour, won't stop you from enjoying the sledding, wherever we're going. Just come home with me." Michael was finally able to stop staring at the way the boy dressed for the cold compared to him. Didn't the boy have a mother... or someone who cared for him at home? "I want to you to have something."

"But... I don't even know you, kid."

Michael smirked, lifting up one side of his mouth. "Yes, you do... I'm Michael... remember?" He held out his gloved hand for the boy to take.

The dark eyebrow shot up in bewilderment. "Why are you being so nice to me?"

"Why not?" Michael shrugged, not sure if the boy would accept the excuse that he'd gotten the advice from the ghost-like image of his dead father. He walked a few paces, waiting for the boy to follow.

"You mean it?"

Michael scrunched his brow in confusion. "Why would I say it if I didn't mean it?"

The boy shook his head, speechless. He slowly picked up his steps behind Michael, wary of the simple gesture of friendship. He found that fleeting in this neighborhood... mostly in the world he was trying to grow-up in.

"Do you wanna come inside? My Ma's making lunch." Michael was a little too eager to make friends. He breathed in through his nostrils to calm himself down.

"No. I'm not really supposed to be out here anyway. The longer I'm away, the more pissed my Pop will be." The boy trailed behind Michael, walking toward the front porch. "You said you, uh... had something for me." He stopped from walking up the steps to the front door, not sure he'd be welcome by this boy's parents.

"Yeah..." Michael smiled, warmly, as he held out his hand. "Stay right here. Don't move."

"Okay..." The boy smirked, finding it adorable how cute he found this ordinary looking kid. He'd seen him around the neighborhood, sometimes at church sitting with some loudmouth, red-headed woman who couldn't sing a hymnal if she had the words whispered in her ear directly from God. The kid seemed about as lonely as he was way too often lately.

Michael giggled, stepping up the stairs to run inside the house. "Hi, Ma! Hi, Vic! Uncle Vic." He was already pulling down the old jacket off the hook on the coat rack. "Uncle Vic, is it okay if I use your jacket?"

Vic was standing in the arched doorway of the kitchen. "Michael, what...?" Through the screen door he saw the tall, rail-thin boy standing below the front porch. He could, literally, see the boy shivering. "Yes. By all means, son..." Strange how he could *sense* Michael's purpose, never needing any explanations for his actions. Why couldn't his own mother understand her beautiful son?

"Thanks, Uncle Vic... bye." Michael quickly looked over his shoulder. "Bye, Ma!"

Debbie walked from the stove to shout. "Michael, don't you dare..."

Michael slammed the door shut.

"... slam the door..." Debbie tried to finish as she shook her head, turning back to the food on the stove top.

Back outside, Michael let the screen door shut on it's hinges. "Take off that silly jacket."

"Look... I don't need or want..."

"I don't care. It's cold out here. And if I have to look like a complete dork... I'm taking you down with me." Michael moved forward to unzip the measly material open, but the boy flinched away. "I'm not... don't worry. I won't hurt you. I just..." He sighed with the jacket in his arms. He looked down at the warm corduroy. "This... coat was my father's. Kept him warm many winters before he passed away." He simply held the jacket out to be taken... or not. "I'd be honored if you'd wear it."

"Shit! Tug on the freakin' heartstrings why don't ya'!" The boy began to take off his own coat, handing Michael his scarf. He leaned the sled against the house.

"Do you believe me?" Michael helped the boy put the jacket on.

"Yeah... it was a good story, but I overheard you asking your uncle if he'd mind if you took the coat... so... sorry." The boy frowned his fake sadness.

"Vic's cool. Sometimes I wished he WAS my father." Michael continued to help the boy button the thick corduroy closed.

The boy looked down at Michael's dark head bent to concentrate. "You know I have hands of my own that can do that?"

Michael smiled easily, patting the jacket over the chest. "I know..." He began to wind the scarf around the boy's neck, making sure the ends lay evenly on the jacket lapels. He had swiped another warmer hat, then what the boy had on him. When Michael yanked off the small cap, straight brown locks hung down from the crown of the boy's head. He plopped the new hat on top of the head as he began to take off his leather gloves. "Give me your hands." He blew on his own to keep them warm.

"Look... this is too much. You don't even know me." The boy hesitated, wanting to push away Michael's hands, clamping his fingers around the pale wrists.

Michael backed away suddenly. "What's your name?"

The hazel eyes curiously searched out Michael's features and body language. Somehow... he was taking none of this to heart. The kid was... harmless. He choked on his own name... "Br-ian..."

Michel smiled and stepped closer to Brian. "Nice to meet you, Brian. Like I said before... I'm Michael..." He paused a bit... waiting for the usual response to happen.

"Oh... Jeeezusss... you never quit, do you?" Brian rolled his eyes. "Hi, Michael. And how are you this fine Sunday afternoon?" He sing-songed as he flipped his head from one side to the other in exaggeration.

Michael finished putting the gloves on Brian's hands. They... shockingly, fit him perfectly. He frowned a little, but grew to appreciate the meaning. He'd gotten these gloves for a reason. Though they wouldn't fit Michael, they would fit someone else... and HE would know exactly who deserved them.

Michael knew his father wouldn't mind this at all, helping the strange boy out.

Brian watched, closely, as once his chapped, freezing hands were encased in the expensive leather gloves... Michael still thought to warm them with his own, just in case. He found it difficult to breathe... to even swallow. He never expected to like someone on sight... nor that he could easily fall in love with two very friendly chocolate eyes staring up at him, sparkling with such happiness.  


 **~~ &&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~**

**************************************  
 _  
 **Boys get discovered as winter melts**  
_  
 _  
 **Flowers competing for the sun**  
_  
 _  
 **Years go by and I'm here still waiting**  
_  
 _  
 **Withering where some snowman was**  
_  
***************************************

  
**Spring - 1989 {Flashback}**   


  
Michael had come home from a full day in high school, senior year... and working his four hour shift at The Big Q, to find a list of Things To Do from his mother.

Debbie was working another shift at the Liberty Diner tonight... she was leaving Michael to care for himself...

The air was balmy, close to summer enough that the night came early but still held onto the warmth of the sun.

Michael was outside in his jeans, bare feet, and a tight cotton undershirt. He was pushing a wicker basket at his feet, with his toes. He was slowly moving along the clothesline, in the backyard, taking down this morning laundry that had all day to dry in the sunlight.

Michael liked the tiny piece of heaven they had back here. The area wasn't much to claim to own, but it was theirs and he recalled how huge it was when he was younger. How he would build snowman upon snowman... alone, most of his childhood, except with the help of his ImaginaryDad ... then with Brian when he was a teenager up until now.

Michael knew the minute he wasn't alone anymore. The wind shifted, picking up the leaves in the trees and wafting a certain scent in his direction.

Brian was close by... or on his way.

Michael shut his eyes, his hands stopping from reaching up to snag off one more clothespin. He paused, turned his head slightly. "Sooooo... where did you run off to today?"

Brian tried not to crunch down on the leaves. He let the metal gate shut, since he didn't need to be quiet any longer. "How did you know it was me?"

Michael swiveled to give Brian his *look*. "Please..."

"Mikey, Mikey, Mikey... have you got some sixth sense or something? Gonna try to give Mysterious Marilyn a run for her... uh, his?... money?" Brian reached up to swiftly yank the bed linen off the line. Magically, the clothespins remained on the rope. He began to bow to his imaginary crowd of onlookers. "Thank You! Thank You! No... please... you're too kind." He waved away his fake audience's approval of his talent.

"Asshole!" Michael stormed over to grab one end of the bed sheet that had begun to drag on the ground. He was going to help Brian fold the sheet into one perfect square. "In case you forgot... Kevin came looking for you..."

Brian squinted his eyes, about to shrug when he realized something. "He didn't bother you all day, did he?" He watched as Michael back-walked the sheet lengthwise.

They folded it over once, meeting the corners.

Michael continued to talk while meeting and folding the sheet with Brian. "No... not really, but it would have been nice if you told ME... your best friend... that you had fucked him so I knew how to answer and let him down gently."

Brian put hands on his hips once Michael had the small square of bed linen in his hands. "That's it, Michael... I didn't fuck him."

"Why not?" Michael had an expression on his face, a cross between confusion and frustration.

Brian turned away to head toward more laundry. "Come on, Mikey... it's getting dark. I suppose you made sure you got our homework today, didn't you?" He didn't even wait for a response before he went on. "I can help you do the work once you've cooked us some dinner."

Michael shook his head in decline. "I'm not your fuckin' wife! Or your girlfriend... and especially not your mother!" He kicked another empty basket to settle between the two clotheslines for Brian to fill.

"Thank God for small favors." Brian weeded through the laundry, moving toward the second line of wash hanging. He sighed heavily, knowing Michael would try to get whatever was in him out, by nagging him constantly until he was annoyed. He cleared his throat. "He likes you, Mikey." He stated clearly, hoping Michael might get a clue.

"Huh?" Michael peeked from around the blouse dangling. "Who?"

Brian didn't turn back around. "Kevin. He likes you. Shit! He more then likes you... he fuckin' nearly has a coronary every time he's around you."

Michael was still confused. "Stop joking. It's not funny." Kevin had tried to approach him at school all week, but never seemed to be able to get one word out. He had only assumed Kevin was trying to milk him for Brian's whereabouts. It was rare that Brian would tease him about something like this, but Michael never knew.

Brian turned to walk over toward Michael, pushing down on the rope, causing all the leftover clothes to touch grass and dirt. "Why won't you believe me when I tell you you're hot? That the boys are starting to... more then like being around you..." He made a face as if that thought disgusted him. The way boys, who were supposed to be grown men soon, fawned over his little Mikey.

Michael yanked the rope out of Brian's hands causing it to spring up in their faces. He then reached up to remove the pins from the blouse. He was now able to see Brian's face. "Please don't tell me they wanna fuck me." He shook his head and laughed nervously.

"They wanna fuck you, Mikey." Brian grabbed onto the rope above his head and thrust his denim covered pelvis toward Michael. "Some..." He dipped his head under the rope, his face bending to Michael's open mouth. "... might even want you... to fuck them..." He quickly tweaked Michael's nipples, then turned back to finish working.

Michael stood there... mesmerized by Brian's presence and actions. He closed his eyes in agony. Funny to be hearing Brian discuss Kevin's reaction to him, when Michael had the same ones for Brian.

The heart palpitations, the sweaty palms, the heightened libido... and the need to touch every naked piece of flesh on Brian's body.

Michael knew if he acted on anything he felt for Brian... he might never see him again. He could clearly feel distance coming between them, but Michael couldn't explain why.

Instead, Michael chose uncomfortable silence as his option for the moment. That was until he felt the calm settle over him. The minute he knew his sub-conscience was going to start playing with his head, making him forcibly escape reality for a second.

 _"Michael..."_

"Dad?" Michael bent his head, his eyes watching Brian's back. The way the intricate muscles worked to take down the rugs and other pieces of laundry hanging. "Not now." He muttered out the side of his mouth.

 _"He's hurting... he needs to talk with you..."_

"I know. He's always hurting. Look at his life." Michael mumbled into one of his biceps as he reached for another clothespin. "Look how far he's come... I'd only disappoint him, like everybody else..."

 _"Not with you, son... never with you..."_

Michael shut his lids slowly, which upon reopening them saw the faint silhouette of his father, standing in the distance. The neighbors might not appreciate some stranger standing in their front yard, but since Michael was the only one who could *see* him... what harm was there? His father was almost afraid to approach whenever Brian was near, like he felt as if he would be intruding. "I miss you, Dad. You don't come around as often..."

 _"I'm not real, Michael. I never was..."_

 

The voice chuckled, tickling Michael's eardrums.

 

 _"You no longer need me anymore, son. Look at what you have..."_

 

The sentiment made Michael look endearingly toward Brian, wanting to call out to him... proclaim possession and state feelings he'd been harboring for years.

 

 _"Believe me... he knows, Michael. Deep down, he will always know. If I am only able to give you a few things in this world... let it be your courage, your heart and your soul, but really... all you have to do is look at him... and you'll know... you'll always know..."_

"... right where I belong..." Michael was able to finish the comment from his father, just as if he said the words himself, in his heart... over and over again.

"Huh?" Brian turned to face Michael.

"What?" Michael shook himself out of his trance. He could tell that his father's image was gone, as quickly as he had arrived. He blinked up at Brian, not realizing how close he had come, nearly standing directly in front of him.

"Did you say something?"

"No... not, uh... I was sort of talking to myself." Michael chuckled nervously at himself.

"You do that a lot... more so when you're with me." Brian seriously looked into Michael's eyes. "Is there something you need to tell me?" He swallowed, his Adam's Apple jumping up, then down under the pale skin. His heart began racing, his palms grew sweaty and he was growing hornier by the minute... he had this strange craving to lick every naked inch of Michael's body. He reached out a shaking hand to caress down Michael's cheeks with the backs of his fingers. "You look flushed. Do you feel sick?" He felt the skin temperature on Michael's forehead.

"I'm fine..." Michael managed to slip out on a breathless whisper, trying to bow his head to hide his feelings. He knew his eyes were his one downfall and Brian had become something of an expert on reading them.

"I know you are... right *fine* indeedy..." Brian teased lightly, turning back to head for his row of clothes, but he momentarily paused as Michael disappeared behind more laundry.

Brian had noticed his attraction growing for his best friend, in these last few months. The more other boys, some men, were becoming interested in stealing away their time together. He had tried to practice this conversation by himself, but once he stepped foot in front of those deep, chocolate eyes, the ones he'd fallen into years ago... he knew the right words would escaped him. He knew he wasn't good enough for Michael. That's why he knew this *space* would be good for them and their friendship.

Brian reached back in his rear end pockets to finger the thick envelope inside of one. "Michael... why don't you go inside. It's getting cold. I'll carry in these baskets." He looked up to see they had managed to empty the entire lines of clothes into two baskets with some room to spare.

"Brian..." Michael stood in the middle of the tiny backyard, arms crossed over his chest, defiant and strong even when he didn't think he looked the part.

"Uh... yeah...?" Brian didn't, he couldn't, look up into Michael's face as he hefted one basket in his arms.

"Whatever you have to tell me... I'm not gonna hate you." Michael undid his arms, letting them fall by his side. "Please don't be scared to tell me whatever's on your mind." He sighed, growing exhausted from the entire day. He didn't need or want to battle with Brian. "There... that's it... that's all I have to say..." He was gone, back inside the house, quicker then Brian expected him to be.

Brian plopped one basket on top of the other, able to carry them both in at the same time. "It's enough, Mikey. It's more then enough." He mumbled under his breath as he followed Michael into the warm house he'd always thought of as his *home*.  


 **==========tbc...==========**   
[](http://docs.google.com/Doc?docid=0AeKjF_KZqdm0ZGQ2emh3dHpfNTA2cnNxNzdmMw&hl=en)

 

  
**  
**   


 


	2. Chapter 2

****************************************** 

_**Mirror, mirror where's the crystal palace** _   
_**But I only can see myself** _   
_**Skating around the truth who I am** _   
_**But I know dad the ice is getting thin** _   
******************************************* 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
**Does he even know how much I love him?**   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
**Does he even care how much I would sacrifice to be near him?**   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

  


No... Michael couldn't deny the truth any longer. Brian was his one true love. His heart. His very essence of being. He knew only because as he sat here, on the other end of the long couch, watching his best friend sleep... their math textbook open and arched over Brian's chest... he wanted to shackle Brian to the staircase... never letting him go. 

Brian's college acceptance letter lay on the coffee table and Michael stared at the pristine cream-colored letterhead laying open, the ripped envelope placed nearby. He was trying not to tear up and bawl like a fuckin' baby. One, because he just couldn't stand another headache; Two, it would wake up Brian; and Three... he would have to reveal his feelings. Feelings he wasn't sure of himself, nor of Brian's.

The fact that Brian had even considered moving away from Pittsburgh, settling into the college dorms, showed how prepared he was to leave anything and everything in his life... up until now.

Michael was sitting Indian style on the corner of the couch. Brian was stretched out, lengthwise on the cushions, his bare feet tucked and resting on Michael's lap. The notebook paper Michael had been writing on went blank once Brian had placed his head on the pillow and closed his eyes.

Brian had started to go on and on about how different his life would be away from Jack and Joan Kinney... but he never seemed to scrape the surface of what it might do to their friendship. Every once-n-awhile Brian would cut into the possibility of coming down to party with Michael or them going out to Babylon, maybe Woody's, but Michael knew. He knew that once Brian was away from him... there would be changes he had always expected to happen... sooner then later.

Brian would find a new group of friends to hang out with or worse... he'd find himself a new best friend to replace Michael.

Michael decided to savor the moments he had now, with Brian, then face regrets on not having him here. The leaving would be bittersweet, but the rewards would be Brian's happiness... and sometimes Michael thought that was more important then any of his sappy, sentimental wishes.

If Brian wasn't finding his *place* here, in Pittsburgh, and his sanity continued to be tested, then Michael would let him go. Let him go to pursue the world outside this little `burgh. No matter how detrimental it was to his heart, Michael would try to be as happy about college for Brian as Brian was about the change himself.

Michael picked up one bare foot in his hands, his thumbs applying pressure to the soft soles. He ached to touch Brian in more ways than this, but it would suffice... since he was asleep. He watched Brian move, resettle his body in a comfortable position.

Brian moaned, placing the pillow directly under his cheek and hibernating his face into the back cushions. He felt the tickle to the bottom of his feet, but soon realized that it was simply Michael massaging them. He smiled contentedly, loving whatever Michael was doing, or ending up doing to him while he was asleep. The thought of being taken care of, so tenderly, without even asking, was more of a turn-on then Michael knew.

Michael's eyes widened to see Brian move his body closer to the back of the couch, clearly making room for someone to lay behind him, cuddled to his backside.

Brian closed the textbook, sliding it down his body and onto the floor. It thumped to the carpet. He wiggled and jiggled his hips, reaching up to grab onto the knitted afghan laying on the couch back. The air was getting a bit chilly... or maybe he was missing Michael's closeness. He felt the warmth hit him instantly, the arms assuredly circling his waist from behind. The jean-clad legs tangled with his own.

Michael had known what to do... what Brian wanted... as he would always know. Brian figured the reason Michael had been so quiet was his ability to think things over in his mind, even when he hated the outcomes. Michael would know what needed to happen, despite the sadness that might ensue or the distance that might threaten their relationship.

Brian covered them both with the afghan. Michael snuggled into Brian's back.

Their perfect fit a defining moment in describing who they were... and what they were to one another.  


******************************************   
_**When you gonna make up your mind** _   
_**When you gonna love you as much as I do** _   
_**When you gonna make up your mind** _   
_**Cause things are gonna change so fast** _   
_**All the white horses are still in bed** _   
_**I tell you that I'll always want you near** _   
_**You say that things change my dear** _   
****************************************** 

  
Burying his nose in Brian's honeyed locks, Michael cleared his throat to speak, softly... not sure if Brian was awake or not. 

"I know your mind is made up... so nothing I say will change your mind. Just... don't forget me, huh? I'll miss you like crazy, but I know this change is good for you... good for me... good for us. We can't always be together... that's fine... as long as you and I are in agreement to one thing... no matter what happens... what keeps us apart... we will always wish the best for each other and we will never... never ever... stop being friends over something stupid or silly. We're different, you and I... and we know that. Like you've always told me... it's nobody's business but ours what happens between us... and... I'd like to keep it that way." Michael leaned over to press the gentlest kiss to Brian's neck, his nose nudging the naked collarbone.

Brian nodded his head, grabbing Michael's arms more securely about his frame. He had no idea what was in their future, but one thing he was sure of was that Michael would always... always... be there for him...

... no matter how long the wait...

Neither man noticed the lone shadowy figure watching from the kitchen. His entrance into the house quite ghost-like. His only reason for being here was because though Michael spoke a good, heartfelt speech, his doubts still managed to infiltrate his mind... and that was when he most desired to have his father close. To be able to talk with and get advice from and tell him who he was... as a man and more importantly as someone who was in love with their best friend.

The vision left as soon as both young men fell asleep. There would be no reason for advice tonight nor tomorrow. No, what was important lay right between them and beside them... each other.

Given time, they would both find their way back to one another.

And given enough time, Michael would soon realize he didn't need some false image of a father to help him, guiding his way through life. He would soon be able to do it all on his own, stumbling about... of course, but confident and assured in his decisions to never doubt himself again.  


**~~ &&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~**

***************************************   
_**Hair is grey** _   
_**And the fires are burning** _   
_**So many dreams** _   
_**On the shelf** _   
_**You say I wanted you to be proud of me** _   
_**I always wanted that myself** _   
*************************************** 

**Winter - {Present Time}**

Jenny Rebecca shot up out of her twin bed, the mattress sinking under her lightweight frame. The first words out of her mouth choked her throat. 

"Daddy!" She put a small hand to her chest.

She turned to her left. No one. She turned to her right. Empty. She was so very cold this early morning. She had fallen asleep in such warmth, but her father had been cuddled around her. Having been exhausted while reading her a bedtime story... he had slipped into dreamland, as well.

Looking at her bedside clock showed three digital numbers.

5:46 in the morning...

Glancing outside the window showed a bluish hue to the early morning air. The sun wouldn't be out in another two hours. Enough time to get up, take a bath, dress and run downstairs to eat something fun and nutritious.

Lifting up her bed covers, Jenny slipped her bare feet over the side of her bed, facing the window in her room.  
The darkness of the bedroom added an ability to see outside the window quite clearly.

The sharp intake of breath made her momentarily pause on the bed.

SNOW!! Was that snow falling so heavily outside the window?

Jenny let a smirk out as she bolted toward the glass pane. Palm to the clear surface, she acted like she could touch each individual flake. Her face plastered to the cold window, trying to look up to the darkened sky. She quelled the excitement running through her body, but it was too much to contain.

"Daddy!" Jenny called out at random, not caring where her father was sleeping or that her yelling would wake him up out of a fretful slumber. "Daddy! It's snowing!" She mumbled on her way throughout the upstairs bedrooms.

First was the master bedroom. No one. Then there was the guest bedroom. Empty. There were no noises coming from the bathroom in the hall, so she quickly trekked downstairs.

As Jenny got to the bottom steps, she recognized the dark head laying on the arm of the long couch in the living room. A lone pale hand popped up from beneath the covers, arched over the arm, fingers dangling down. She tiptoed closer, unsure if her father was awake or asleep still, especially from all the commotion she had caused. She neared the puff of dark hair peeking out from under the layers of quilts. Her hand shook, reaching out to touch the raven strands she knew would feel like silk.

"Oh... Daddy..." Jenny sighed, shaking her head. She leaned a tiny hip on the couch.

The fire her father had built was slowly dying. The embers down to an orange glow in the ashes in the fireplace.

Jenny knew why her father wasn't in bed. Why he couldn't sleep alone upstairs anymore. She moved around to face him, pulling the covers off his face. She tilted her head to gaze adoringly at his beautiful features in sleep. What shocked her were the dried tear stains on his cheeks. The lone tracks of single tears of sorrow... of loss... of never knowing what lay in his future, but willing to wait patiently.

Jenny reached out a hand, cupping the top curve of her father's face. She tenderly petted the soft flesh. She let her small frame fall onto the cushions, pushing against her father's bunched arms under the blankets. "Daddy... wake up..." She whispered her words near his face, hoping his hidden ears would pick up her voice.

Michael chose to re-bury his head. "Jen... please..." He groaned out his displeasure at being bothered so early in the morning.

"Daddy..." Jenny gently shook his shoulder. "I got something to tell you."

"What?" Michael perked his head up from the inner sanctum of the cushions. He thought maybe Jenny had hurt herself or needed help in the bathroom.

Jenny put her face directly in front of her father's, almost nose-to-nose. "It's snowing..."

"I know... it started earlier this morning..." It wasn't until Michael began to comprehend what he was saying that he actually discovered what he was saying.

SNOW!! No... impossible... fate wouldn't be that cruel to him... would it?

Brian was due back in Pittsburgh. His flight was to land sometime this afternoon. With his decision... Brian's final decision...

"Oh... shit..." Michael re-buried himself under the thick covers, recalling what had kept him up most of the night. He had been unable to stand the cold bed upstairs.

"Daddy... let me in..." Jenny wanted to snuggle with her father for a few hours before they really had to wake up.

"Jen, honey... not now..." Michael mumbled incoherently under all the layers of thick material.

Jenny didn't care how grumpy her father was, she climbed on top of him, straddling his side. "I miss him, too."

"Please don't say his name." Michael whispered loud enough for Jenny to hear.

"Remember he comes home today."

Michael finally threw the blankets off his upper chest. He twisted his body to lay on his back, letting Jenny sit on his belly. "This might not be his home for much longer, Jen. He may not want to come back... ever."

"No! Don't talk like that." Jenny tried to reprimand her father.

Michael brought up an arm to lean on the back of the couch. "There's too much out there for him to want to ever come back here... much less to us..." He pouted in exaggeration, trying to show Jenny he wasn't as upset as he was... or frazzled or nervous or sick to his stomach.

"Oh, Daddy..." Jenny lay splat on her father's chest. Her little arms trying to hold him close in comfort. "Have you checked the answerin' machine?"

"About twenty times since I went to bed last night." Michael snuggled his face in Jenny's dark ringlets. He shut his eyes in silent agony. It didn't behoove him to mope in front of his impressionable daughter. "What do you want for breakfast once we finally wake up?"

"Waffles... or pancakes. I don't care." Jenny buried her face in the blankets. "Daddy, did you check your cell phone? Maybe he..." She was drawing little pictures on her father's forearm. She was hoping he hadn't thought of something that she would've come up with. She wanted her father to be happy, never sad.

"No. Nothing. At least... not in the last hour or so." Michael gestured toward his cell phone laying on the coffee table.

Jenny's head turned toward the offending object. She grew curious to how long it had been since anyone had touched it. She stretched across to grab the tiny item, the connecting ear piece dangling precariously to the floor. She flipped the slim cover open, pressing buttons like she was some data processing expert.

Michael stared aghast. No five year old should know how to operate their parent's cell phone better then the parent. What kind of a father was he? Sad thing was... Jenny had probably helped him program most of the information encased inside.

"Text messaging?" Jenny was already on her way to checking this out.

"Why would Brian...?" Was Jenny even aware of how blasé Brian was about simple emailing? Michael furrowed his brow in thought.

Brian barely said anything in emails, much less...

What made Jenny think...?

Jenny looked up, wide eyes on her father's face. "Daddy..."

"What?"

Jenny turned the phone so her father could read the information on the LCD screen. "I think someone's been trying to talk to you." She couldn't help grinning, secretly. She knew Brian wouldn't let her father down.

"Ho-Lee... Christ!" Michael finally sat up at the end of the couch. Jenny slipped to his lap and fell backward to lay between his legs on the covers. "This all... must have come in the last few hours or so..." He kept shaking his head in shock and dismay.

How could so many messages fill up this little phone's memory so quickly?

Jenny folded her hands over her belly, waiting to hear her father read everything out loud. Well, within moderation of what he was able to say in front of her. "Start from number one, Daddy."

"Just wait... hold on... I'm not even sure if... okay... whew... yeah... it's all here. Brian's been talking to me since..." Michael rolled his wristwatch over to check times. "The last three or four hours... shit!" He shook his head at his own stupidity. "I had no idea he'd use this method of communication." He looked over at Jenny. "Brian is a confronter. He doesn't hide behind excuses and mild-mannered moments of introspection. He..." He realized WHO he was talking to. "Sorry, honey..." He rubbed her stomach, patting the soft pajama top. "... your father's acting crazy."

Jenny shrugged her shoulders. "I like listening to you, Daddy. You make me feel... smart. Not stupid... like some kids."

"Who makes you feel stupid?"

"Well, Gus... he..."

Michael sighed, hanging his head. "Gus is going through a phase right now, Jen. It's not cool for him to be around girls, much less his younger sibling. He's got his friends he likes to play with."

"More then me?" Jenny asked in all honesty, her head tilting slightly. "You like to play with me... and you're older then Gus."

"I'm also your father and I love you to pieces."

"Did I get Gus in trouble?" Jenny flushed to know that she might have angered Gus more by telling a truth.

"No... we know... your mothers and I. We know what Gus is like. He's..." Michael didn't know exactly how to explain this for Jenny's sake. "He's trying to find his *place* in the world, Jen. It gets to be like trying on pairs of shoes. You try on a whole lot to find the right ones. You've worn the comfortable ones out until you have to buy new ones and then when you buy the new ones... the others..."

"... get left behind." Jenny sat up, matching her father's straight torso. "Is that what Brian did to you, Daddy?" She reached out to soothe his sides, wanting him to forgive her for her honesty.

Michael stared his chocolate eyes into his daughter's. "Yeah... sorta like what Brian did to me."

Jenny looked down, nodding her head, picking up her father's hands and wrapping them about her tiny frame. She snuggled into his arms. "You still love him?"

Michael closed his eyes and dipped his head to Jenny's curls. "I always will... with no regrets."

"`Cause he's family... right, Daddy?"

"`Cause he's always been my family. Even when I had Uncle Vic and Grandma Deb... he allowed me in when no one else did." Michael pressed a gentle kiss to the crown of Jenny's head.

Jenny nodded solemnly, understanding the complicated lives of the adults around her, with the gentle, loving help of her father. She sniffed once and wiped her tears on the shirt she was laying on. "Do you hate Justin for taking Brian back?"

Michael felt his whole body sag. Innocent eyes and ears never stopped paying attention. He had to remember to keep his head up in times of crisis so he wouldn't let Jenny down. "We're all adults here, Jen. I can't control Brian, nor Justin... but I can control my feelings."

Jenny shook her head. "That doesn't seem fair, Daddy."

"Sometimes, Jen... life isn't fair, but we stay strong... for other things, other people and because something better is out there."

"You know that... for real?" Jen mumbled into her father's chest.

"No."

"How then?"

Michael couldn't reveal his source, so he kept mum about the truth. "I just do, Jen."

"What if...?" Jenny wiped under her nose, lifting her head, unable to stare eye to eye with her father.

"Jenny... come on... it's me... Daddy... I won't..." Michael tried to use one finger to lift Jenny's chin, but she raised her head on her own... proudly.

"What if... we don't want something better. What if we want something... someone, we already had?" Tears sparkling in her eyes, Jenny blinked up at her father. "I love him, Daddy. Almost as much as you do. I know he loves us... I do. Don't ask me how I know, but I do..." She heaved a huge gulp of air to talk. "I don't want to hate him. I don't. But I will if he hurts you... again. I didn't like being here while he was gone..."

Michael pulled Jenny closer, gluing her to his chest and rocking her in his arms. "I'm sorry, Jenny... honey, I'm so sorry. I've been stupid." He tried to cuddle and kiss away her tears. "I really am okay."

"Then read the text messages. Read them and tell me what they say." Jenny curled herself about her father, laying her sweaty forehead against his neck. She used the blankets to wipe away the wetness on her face.

Michael cradled Jenny in his arms, using the blankets to settle about Jenny's body to keep her warm. He one-armed the buttons on his phone to start from the beginning in his text messaging log file. "Okay... here goes nothing..." He kissed Jenny's brow and crossed his legs, Indian style, to secure her more into his holding.  


******************************************   
_**He says** _   
_**When you gonna make up your mind** _   
_**When you gonna love you as much as I do** _   
_**When you gonna make up your mind** _   
_**Cause things are gonna change so fast** _   
_**All the white horses have gone ahead** _   
_**I tell you that I'll always want you near** _   
_**You say that things change** _   
_**My dear** _   
****************************************** 

################################ 

  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
**Text Messenger On line 0145am WST** : Kinney, Brian A.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

  
**Brian :** mayday!!... 

**Brian :** mayday!!... 

**Brian :** SOS!!... 

**Brian :** rezcu me!!... 

**Brian :** hlp me... 

**Brian :** drownin... he iz not u... 

**Brian :** no u... me not hppy... 

################################# 

  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
**Text Messenger On line 0148am WST :** Taylor, Justin   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

  
**Justin :** hope ur tickld, mikel... 

**Justin :** u won... 

**Justin :** he wants u... not me... 

################################# 

**Brian :** ignore that msg... 

**Brian :** dur-rangd loony-tick... 

**Brian :** my young stalkr... 

**Brian :** justn bein pissy... 

################################# 

**Justin :** I m no pussy... 

################################# 

**Brian :** uh, said pissy... not pussy... 

**Brian :** can I be tha winner?... 

**Brian :** will u, mikel, be my prize?... 

################################# 

**Justin :** so? whut? 

**Justin :** I m tha lozer? 

**Justin :** F-U 

################################# 

**Brian :** who said that?... 

**Brian :** off my phone... my convo... 

**Brian :** git ur own BF... 

**Brian :** lve mine alone... 

################################## 

**Justin :** fine... 

**Justin :** bye, mikel... 

**Justin :** good luck w/HIM... 

**Justin :** hope 2 c u at RAGE premiere... 

**Justin :** if shld happn in 5 more yrs.. 

**Justin :** give jen kisses... n-luv... 

  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
**Text Messenger Off line O150am WST :** Taylor, Justin   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

  
#################################### 

**Brian :** mikel... mikel... 

**Brian :** fuck... who am I kiddin?... 

**Brian :** I can't type like a 2yr old... 

**Brian :** are u there? 

**Brian :** are u listening? 

**Brian :** michael... 

**Brian :** mikey... 

**Brian :** shit... I let you down... 

**Brian :** big time, didn't I? 

**Brian :** I'm sorry... :( ... 

**Brian :** I don't know what I was thinking... 

**Brian :** I miss you... :( :( ... 

**Brian :** and Gawd DAMMMMMM do I fuckin' want you... 

**Brian :** a mere taste of you wasn't enough for me... 

**Brian :** SHIT! My plane is boarding... 

**Brian :** hold on... plz... TBC... 

**Brian :** love u... alwayz... 

**Brian :** I do... I do... I do... I do... 

**Brian :** I do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do... 

**Brian :** Did I just sing a Duran Duran lyric?... 

  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
**Text Messenger Off line 0152am WST :** Kinney, Brian A.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

  
############################################### 

  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
**Text Messenger On line 0212am WST :** Kinney, Brian A.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

  
**Brian :** man, oh, man... 

**Brian :** it feels good to be coming home... 

**Brian :** home? home... hmmm... u, Jenny, Gus?... 

**Brian :** yeah, that sounds about right... 

**Brian :** fuck, am I in trouble or what?... 

**Brian :** did I actually do what I thought I did?... 

**Brian :** to you? and u let me go? Still... hoping?... 

**Brian :** hoping I would come to my senses, huh?... 

**Brian :** why? why do u let me do these things to u?... 

**Brian :** why do you let me hurt you like this?... 

**Brian :** you should hate me... 

**Brian :** does Jenny hate me?... fuck... 

**Brian :** I don't blame her... 

**Brian :** how is she? anymore nightmares?... 

**Brian :** I, uh, can't stop thinking about u... 

**Brian :** every time I close my eyes... 

**Brian :** there u are... unfleshed and vulnerable... 

**Brian :** underneath me... at my will... 

**Brian :** gawd... I can still see u... feel u... 

**Brian :** I could have fucked u, ya know... 

**Brian :** I could have had u... and been done... 

**Brian :** I would have come to LA with nothing on my mind... 

**Brian :** but work... instead... 

**Brian :** what stopped us? did I stop first or did u?... 

**Brian :** I try to replay that night in my mind... 

**Brian :** ... but all I seem to do is... see ur eyes... 

**Brian :** u started to cry... like I was hurting u... 

**Brian :** kicked ur puppy or something worse... 

**Brian :** u promised they were happy tears... 

**Brian :** but u didn't stop... and you wouldn't let me go... 

**Brian :** holding me so tight I thought I would burst... 

**Brian :** that's when I knew... 

**Brian :** u r one smart cookie, mikey... 

**Brian :** I knew ur plan... to slowly kill me softly... 

**Brian :** do u remember what u said?... 

**Brian :** I do... it's burned into my skull... 

**Brian :** I hear it even now... listen... 

**Brian :** "I'm not gonna make up ur mind for u, Brian..." 

**Brian :** "... u must do that on ur own. If u decide to leave..." 

**Brian :** "... go... but don't expect things to be the same..." 

**Brian :** "... they change... u change... I change... we change..." 

**Brian :** do u remember what else u said?... 

**Brian :** "Brian, when are u gonna love urself as much as I do?"... 

**Brian :** "... when are u gonna allow urself to love? and love well?"... 

**Brian :** "... when are u gonna realize ur worth?"... 

**Brian :** "... that u are enough for me?"... 

**Brian :** "... don't expect me to wait for u to come sweeping in"... 

**Brian :** "... like knights on all the white horses"... 

**Brian :** "... fairytales are over... superhero has no cape, no powers"... 

**Brian :** "... we're what's real... this... us"... 

**Brian :** "... I can't make u want it... if you don't"... 

**Brian :** "... I will always... always want u by my side... forever"... 

**Brian :** "... but I won't force u to be where u don't want to be"... 

**Brian :** u kissed me... long and hard... 

**Brian :** u touched me... soft and wet... 

**Brian :** stroking me... jerking me... caressing me... 

**Brian :** I came in ur hand and u silently suffered while letting me go... 

**Brian :** me? bastard... u? my hero... my white knight... my best friend 

**Brian :** mikey... there's a big wide world out there... 

**Brian :** I thought I wanted a slice of it... I still do... 

**Brian :** it all goes to shit without u here... 

**Brian :** I need my sidekick... 

**Brian :** life sucks without u to bitch-n-moan to... 

**Brian :** I was wrong... u were right... 

**Brian :** if u tell anyone I typed that... I'll... 

**Brian :** ... shit!... never mind... 

**Brian :** the *air hostess* wishes to discuss business with her *passengers*... 

**Brian :** excuse e moi... 

  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
**Text Messenger pausing 00:00:21sec 0232am WST :** Kinney, Brian A.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

  
############################################# 

  


**==========tbc...==========** [ **** ](http://docs.google.com/Doc?docid=0AeKjF_KZqdm0ZGQ2emh3dHpfNTA3bTI5OXhxZzg&hl=en)


	3. Chapter 3

############################################### 

  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
**Text Messenger On line 0212am WST :** Kinney, Brian A.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

  
**Brian :** man, oh, man... 

**Brian :** it feels good to be coming home... 

**Brian :** home? home... hmmm... u, Jenny, Gus?... 

**Brian :** yeah, that sounds about right... 

**Brian :** fuck, am I in trouble or what?... 

**Brian :** did I actually do what I thought I did?... 

**Brian :** to you? and u let me go? Still... hoping?... 

**Brian :** hoping I would come to my senses, huh?... 

**Brian :** why? why do u let me do these things to u?... 

**Brian :** why do you let me hurt you like this?... 

**Brian :** you should hate me... 

**Brian :** does Jenny hate me?... fuck... 

**Brian :** I don't blame her... 

**Brian :** how is she? anymore nightmares?... 

**Brian :** I, uh, can't stop thinking about u... 

**Brian :** every time I close my eyes... 

**Brian :** there u are... unfleshed and vulnerable... 

**Brian :** underneath me... at my will... 

**Brian :** gawd... I can still see u... feel u... 

**Brian :** I could have fucked u, ya know... 

**Brian :** I could have had u... and been done... 

**Brian :** I would have come to LA with nothing on my mind... 

**Brian :** but work... instead... 

**Brian :** what stopped us? did I stop first or did u?... 

**Brian :** I try to replay that night in my mind... 

**Brian :** ... but all I seem to do is... see ur eyes... 

**Brian :** u started to cry... like I was hurting u... 

**Brian :** kicked ur puppy or something worse... 

**Brian :** u promised they were happy tears... 

**Brian :** but u didn't stop... and you wouldn't let me go... 

**Brian :** holding me so tight I thought I would burst... 

**Brian :** that's when I knew... 

**Brian :** u r one smart cookie, mikey... 

**Brian :** I knew ur plan... to slowly kill me softly... 

**Brian :** do u remember what u said?... 

**Brian :** I do... it's burned into my skull... 

**Brian :** I hear it even now... listen... 

**Brian :** "I'm not gonna make up ur mind for u, Brian..." 

**Brian :** "... u must do that on ur own. If u decide to leave..." 

**Brian :** "... go... but don't expect things to be the same..." 

**Brian :** "... they change... u change... I change... we change..." 

**Brian :** do u remember what else u said?... 

**Brian :** "Brian, when are u gonna love urself as much as I do?"... 

**Brian :** "... when are u gonna allow urself to love? and love well?"... 

**Brian :** "... when are u gonna realize ur worth?"... 

**Brian :** "... that u are enough for me?"... 

**Brian :** "... don't expect me to wait for u to come sweeping in"... 

**Brian :** "... like knights on all the white horses"... 

**Brian :** "... fairytales are over... superhero has no cape, no powers"... 

**Brian :** "... we're what's real... this... us"... 

**Brian :** "... I can't make u want it... if you don't"... 

**Brian :** "... I will always... always want u by my side... forever"... 

**Brian :** "... but I won't force u to be where u don't want to be"... 

**Brian :** u kissed me... long and hard... 

**Brian :** u touched me... soft and wet... 

**Brian :** stroking me... jerking me... caressing me... 

**Brian :** I came in ur hand and u silently suffered while letting me go... 

**Brian :** me? bastard... u? my hero... my white knight... my best friend 

**Brian :** mikey... there's a big wide world out there... 

**Brian :** I thought I wanted a slice of it... I still do... 

**Brian :** it all goes to shit without u here... 

**Brian :** I need my sidekick... 

**Brian :** life sucks without u to bitch-n-moan to... 

**Brian :** I was wrong... u were right... 

**Brian :** if u tell anyone I typed that... I'll... 

**Brian :** ... shit!... never mind... 

**Brian :** the *air hostess* wishes to discuss business with her *passengers*... 

**Brian :** excuse e moi... 

  
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**Text Messenger pausing 00:00:21sec 0232am WST :** Kinney, Brian A.   
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**Text Messenger On 00:08:12sec 0241am WST :** Kinney, Brian A.   
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**Brian :** good news, mikey... it's snowing back home... 

**Brian :** I bet jenny's ecstatic... 

**Brian :** she loves winter as much as u do... 

**Brian :** why do I know that?... 

**Brian :** why does it feel like the one thing I WANT to remember?... 

**Brian :** they want to reroute to Chicago... shit... 

**Brian :** bad news, mikey... fate likes to fuck with me... 

**Brian :** well, someone should tell fate how much I like to fuck back... 

**Brian :** I'll be in Chicago in... 

**Brian :** ... thirty minutes... 

**Brian :** I'm coming back to Pittsburgh... 

**Brian :** home to u... 

**Brian :** even if I have to rent a car and drive myself... 

**Brian :** or fly in a crop duster... 

**Brian :** if u want me to leap tall buildings in a single bound... 

**Brian :** ... I will... 

**Brian :** just... don't lose faith in me... 

**Brian :** ... never stop loving me... 

**Brian :** most of all... wait for me... 

**Brian :** will you wait for me, mikey?... 

**Brian :** shit! are u even still listening?... 

**Brian :** I hope to God you are... 

**Brian :** if there is still a God that listen to my prayers... 

**Brian :** I hope he realizes how much I love u... 

**Brian :** will go on loving u even if I've fucked it up... 

**Brian :** oh... and stop rubbing ur eyebrow... 

**Brian :** u'll irritate the skin... 

################################################## 

Michael stopped rubbing his eyebrow enough to look shocked to the core.

The tears he'd been letting shed cascaded down his cheeks and dripped onto Jenny's pajamas. She had fallen back asleep during Michael's silent reading of the text messages, never once bothering to ask what any of it said. She was simply lulled into slumber by Michael's reactions to what he was reading.

Good thing Jenny wasn't awake now or Michael would have to explain why he was crying.

Michael wormed his way out from under his daughter, letting her lay curled about herself and sleep under the layers of covers. He brought over plenty of pillows to comfort her head on the arm of the couch. He wandered into the familiar kitchen of the Novotny household to finish off Brian's text messaging.

Michael pulled out a chair at his mom's kitchen table. He plopped down using a paper napkin to wipe at his face.  


**~~ &&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~**

##################################################### 

**Brian :** Okay... so how do I end this conversation without being schmoopy?... 

**Brian :** should I beg? should I plead with u?... 

**Brian :** should I tell u how much of a loser I am?... 

**Brian :** should I keep on reiterating how much I love u?... 

**Brian :** see, what's good about us... you and me... 

**Brian :** no words are needed... no explanations apply... 

**Brian :** we know once we see one another how things will end up... 

**Brian :** can I tell u something? just between us?... 

**Brian :** these three weeks have been hell on earth... 

**Brian** **:** ... and not a single day, or night, was spent in HIS... 

**Brian :** u know... what's his name... 

**Brian :** HIS company... 

**Brian :** I left you for LA... to be with him... 

**Brian :** ... and the joke was on me... 

**Brian :** he's gone beyond me... too good for me, even... 

**Brian :** did u ever think that was possible?... 

**Brian :** I've seen him do things here... 

**Brian :** ... that I would never do back in the Pitts... 

**Brian :** I guess u were right again... I trained him well... 

**Brian :** he's gotten better then I'll ever hope to be again... 

**Brian :** well, I had news for him... I've gone beyond him... 

**Brian :** in a different direction... toward you... 

**Brian :** we fought the first week I was here... over everything... 

**Brian :** wanna know what I did the rest of the time?... 

**Brian :** I actually worked... picked up a few reputable new clients... 

**Brian :** so... something else came out of this mess I made... 

**Brian :** that I will now lay in and marinate for a few hours... 

**Brian :** on my way to Chicago... 

**Brian :** ... until I see you... 

**Brian :** sooooooo... yup... I guess I better stop this... 

**Brian :** I don't want another useless habit forming in my brain... 

**Brian :** I assume since u have Jenny... u'll be at the house... 

**Brian :** Don't bother locking the door... I have the key... 

**Brian :** I won't be going to the loft, I'll come straight to u... 

**Brian :** are u still listening? 

**Brian :** wait for me... 

**Brian :** love u... always have, always will... 

**Brian :** o k .... I'm done... ur turn... 

  


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**Text Messenger Off line 0356am MST :** Kinney, Brian A.   
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##################################################### 

Michael fidgeted around, unsure of how he should begin, but he managed to find his way inside his own text messaging file to send his own words to Brian.

For the first time, in twenty-some odd years of friendship... Michael became the one who said the fewest words, getting right to the point, and Brian the blabber mouth full of emotional venting.  


**~~ &&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~**

  
Brian kept yanking his head back and forward, going in and out of sleep. His neck muscles were sore from all the whiplash he was giving himself. He might as well figure to shack up in the airport tonight. He tucked one carry-on bag under his head to use as a pillow, and he used his long overcoat as his makeshift blanket. 

Brian had only closed his eyes for one minute when he blinked to find some stranger standing in front of him. He wore some freakishly ancient wool uniform with a black brimmed cap on his head that simulated the possibility of being a pilot or an inner city bus driver. He open one eye to peek... yup, the guy was still there smiling down at him... just staring directly at his sleeping face.

"Can I help you?"

"I think, son... it's the other way around." The man brought up his hand to tip his cap kindly.

"Was this your seat or something? Did I bother you at some point in my tirade in the halls of this god forsaken place? If so, I apologize..." Brian sat up in his seat trying to fold things into nice, neat packages.

"I couldn't help overhearing that you need a ride. To Pittsburgh, you say?"

"Unless you've got some magical flying coach... we ain't leaving this airport without putting our lives at risk." Brian rolled his eyes, unsure that this man could really help him in any way.

"I know a shortcut."

Brian squinted up at the man. He kept smiling like he knew Brian, which was disarming. The stranger had no fear, it seemed like. "Do you, now? Do aliens talk to you? Any peculiar relationship with woodland creatures? Do you see fairies and sprites? Have a mountain top lair?"

"How badly do you want to get back to Pittsburgh?"

Brian shot back in his chair, not expecting to be asked that type of question. "Uh, well... pretty badly... not sell-my-soul badly, but close."

"Loved ones?"

Brian opened his mouth to say another sarcastically glib comment, but stopped. "Yes... and one in particular that I promised I would see today, if only to apologize to him."

"You love him... this man?" The smile never disappeared.

Brian couldn't look at the man anymore, simply stared ahead as if trying to envision Michael in the flesh. "More then life itself." He swallowed and averted his head, not realizing he had voiced an honest thought. He was a bit ashamed of the power Michael had over him, even in his absence.

"Then..." The man began to move to help pick up Brian's bags and carry them for him. "... why not take the risk? Follow me..." He leisurely took off without caring if Brian did or not.

Well... Brian had to. The man had run off with his laptop's briefcase and over a quarter of a million dollars worth of sale ads in the many pockets. The clothes he wasn't too worried about, but everything else was of some sort of value to him.

Once he was outside the airport, Brian halted on the sidewalk. "A bus? You're gonna drive me in a Greyhound bus?"

The snow had just begun to fall here, too moist to stick to any surface. Any amass of accumulation would pack on the piles of snow in the next few hours. They had time to chase ahead of the storm, if they moved fast enough.

The man carried everything up the steps inside the bus. "Got better plans?"

"Hey... you already know I don't have ANY plans, it's just..." Brian stopped for one second, unable to fathom what he was looking at.

The side of the bus read a very peculiar name. The name of the bus company.

"Hey!" The man snapped Brian out of some trance and held out a helping hand for Brian to jump onto the bottom step, from the wide stretch between the sidewalk and bus. "Let's go... before the weather gets even nastier."

Brian looked up in odd speculation. "Are you for real? Are you really on your way to Pittsburgh?"

"Sure am. I always drive this route. C'mon... the sooner you jump on, the sooner I can get you home... safe and sound..." The man paused, as if he meant to move on with more words, but he stopped.

Brian leaped on, not really needing the hand from the man, who became the *bus driver*. The door mechanism shut behind him as he climbed up to swing into the bench seat.

"Hold on tight. The roads are pretty slick. I can't guarantee a smooth ride, but I'll get ya' there in one piece."

"Great. Thanks for the boost of confidence."

"You betcha." The bus driver looked up into his rearview mirror able to watch his passenger quite unnoticeably. "What's that?" He pretended to turn his head, as if hearing something.

Brian heard nothing. "What?"

"That noise."

"What noise?" Brian grumbled, making sure it wasn't the engine petering out on them. He tucked his chilled hands in his pockets.

"Don't worry..." The bus driver bent forward to adjust the heating elements. "... it'll be warm in here shortly."

"Good... just in time for me to freeze to death..." Brian's breath clouded in front of his face. "Back to that... uh, noise. Describe it..."

The bus driver didn't have to describe anything.

This time Brian heard it. A faint chirping noise coming from his trouser's pocket.

His cell phone was chiming, for some reason, and it wasn't because there was a phone call coming through. He hadn't been able to get good reception since leaving Ohio air space.

The bus driver pulled off from parking near the sidewalk, driving smoothly along the clear, wet, dark road. Early morning light tended to misguide most folks who weren't used to seeing this time of daylight. His eyes flicked up to his rearview mirror to secretly eyeball Brian as he opened his phone.

Brian popped open his phone, finding out that several text messages were sitting in his phone's memory bank for an hour. His brow crinkled in wonder.

Who could it be?

The bus driver smiled, controlling the huge steering wheel of the bus' driving suspension.  


**==========tbc...==========**


	4. Chapter 4

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**Text Messenger On line 0633am EST :** Novotny, Michael C.   
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**Michael :** MY turn?... 

**Michael :** well, thanx... 

**Michael :** I'd tell u *I told u so*, but that would be silly... 

**Michael :** I'd tell u *u deserve it*, but that would be redundant... 

**Michael :** I'd tell u to *fuck off*, but... 

**Michael :** ... that would, frankly, be very unoriginal... 

**Michael :** ... like I haven't told u to a million times before... 

**Michael :** nah... you know me too well... 

**Michael :** I'm not like all the other men in ur life... 

**Michael :** u don't need a key, the door is always unlocked... 

**Michael :** u don't need to apologize, I knew it would happen... 

**Michael :** u don't have to beg me to wait... 

**Michael :** I always have been... I always will... 

**Michael :** I am listening... I have been listening... 

**Michael :** I'm always willing to listen to u... 

**Michael :** ... despite ur warped morality... 

**Michael :** but u have to be willing to speak openly to me... 

**Michael :** I can't ever stop loving u just because u leave me... 

**Michael :** it's physically impossible to do without hurting myself... 

**Michael :** yes... plz... come home... we miss u... 

**Michael :** Jenny misses u... I miss u... 

**Michael :** ... more then I ever thought I could miss anyone... 

**Michael :** ... even after Ben left... 

**Michael :** the Pitts get more dreary w/o u... is that possible?... 

**Michael :** I haven't been able to sleep in the bed we nearly had sex in... 

**Michael :** it went further then the Swayze Incident, didn't it?... 

**Michael :** ... but I don't know what stopped us... 

**Michael :** by the way, it was a mutual stopping point... 

**Michael :** we agreed we had gone far enough... 

**Michael :** LA... and Justin were calling u... 

**Michael :** how could I stop u from what you seemed to want?... 

**Michael :** if it wasn't me, I had to walk away... let u go... 

**Michael :** it wasn't meant to teach u a lesson... 

**Michael :** I never was motivated to win... anything... 

**Michael :** I want u to be happy... 

**Michael :** u never seemed to be until this opportunity came... 

**Michael :** I know u needed to go... 

**Michael :** maybe, secretly, I knew u'd come back to me... 

**Michael :** u know I'm not that devious or conniving... 

**Michael :** doesn't mean I'm not happy it worked in my favor... 

##################################################### 

Brian snickered, wiping a hand over his exhausted face. Whew! Michael had let him easily off the hook, like always. He shook his head at how forgiving Michael could be toward him. Unconditionally so, just like with his love.

##################################################### 

**Michael :** don't think this means ur totally off-the-hook... 

**Michael :** I want some restitution... 

**Michael :** ... some foot massages... some family vacations... 

**Michael :** ... do a little grocery shopping... the laundry... 

**Michael :** whoa... are u still there? 

**Michael :** whew... though I might have lost u... 

**Michael :** ... with all the domesticality spewing... 

**Michael :** I'm kiddin'... no... wait... I'm not... 

**Michael :** ... the dishes... it's all I'm askin' for... 

**Michael :** ME? joking... somewhat nervous... my hands shake as I type... 

**Michael :** u? I love... more every day... 

**Michael :** I certainly didn't mean to feel this way... about u... 

**Michael :** I know you'll be smug about it... 

**Michael :** ... hoodwinked good ole, sad, pathetic mikey... 

**Michael :** don't act so high-n-mighty... 

**Michael :** I wanted to be caught... by u... 

**Michael :** there's no one left that wants me... like u do... 

**Michael :** I meant for all this to happen... this way... 

**Michael :** and I will be waiting... for u to come home... 

**Michael :** so u better get ur ass here or I'll... 

**Michael :** never mind... Jenny's waking up... 

**Michael :** we'll finish this convo later... 

**Michael :** did u hear ME?... 

**Michael :** I love u... 

**Michael :** get here quick... but be safe about it... 

  


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**Text Messenger Off line 0645am EST :** Novotny, Michael C.   
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##################################################### 

Brian couldn't stop smiling, the goofy grin spreading widely over his mouth.

"Good news?" The bus driver was amused by Brian's easy charm and the endless smile.

"Yeah... you could say so." Brian left the explanation at that. He leaned his head back on the seat cushion behind him. He turned to look out at the scenery through his plate glass window.

Brian closed his eyes in comfort, the slight jarring of the bus calming to make him sink deeper into sleep.

The bus driver waited until Brian was completely out before he took off his cap. He reached up to hang it on the corner of his huge rearview mirror.

The name of the bus company dangling for anyone to see...

White Arabian Bus Lines... the perfect *white horse* to carry the rusted armored *knight* home...

The irony would have cracked Brian up if he had been paying attention, if his mind weren't on getting back to Michael.  


**~~ &&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~**

  
Jenny was diligently working at getting out the food in preparation for cooking breakfast with her father. She had recently come out of the bathtub, her curls lay wet to her head to air dry. She could faintly detect footsteps from upstairs telling her someone was moving about after their shower. 

Michael was dressed in dark blue denim. A red/blue Tee-shirt under his grey fleece pullover. He figured he could get away with running about, this morning, with just his socks on, forgoing the old-fogey slippers. He gathered up the dirty laundry from the bathroom floor, swiping the moist towels and carrying everything to the laundry hamper in the hall. He stepped up to the door of his old childhood bedroom, which now belonged to Jenny.

There were no longer any remnants of Michael's youth left inside.

What had survived was the structure of the room and a few random pieces of furniture. Everything was placed in different positions, but Michael could still get a sudden chill of remembrance every time he entered. He quickly overcame those eerie feelings as he took in the walls that no longer held his old cowboy wallpaper. Now it was bubble-gum pink and lemon/lime green, enormous flowers in bloom in specific nooks-n-crannies.

Each item in the space spoke of Jenny's presence, nothing of her father's existed anymore. The frilly, feminine touches told of a new child habitating the room.

Michael picked up all the clothes Jenny had thrown to the floor. He placed them on the bench at the end of the twin bed. He shook his head at how much Jenny was just like him at this age. He made the bed, neatly folded the clothes into piles. He'd get Jenny to put them away, where they belonged, later. He was trying to do *busy work* to keep thoughts of Brian coming home out of his mind.

Michael moved to the mini-vanity. He picked up a collection of hair accessories and Jenny's hairbrush. He strolled back into the bathroom to take out the hair dryer from the closet. He felt a skip in his step as he came down the stairs, using the bottom stair's post to catch himself as his socked feet slid on the hardwood floor.

Michael used to do this when he was little. It was always a knee jerk reaction to grip the balled knob at the top of the stairpost. He recalled some times when he would run smack-dab into Brian's chest... and Brian would stop him from falling over his feet by gripping his hips. He always had to catch his breath whenever Brian touched him, especially with his raging hormones as a young man of 16yrs old. Later, whenever Michael did this same maneuver, Brian learned to catch him just as he fell off the bottom step and swung him around to plant his feet flat on solid ground.

Michael paused on his way into the kitchen. He stared intently at the damned stairpost, not believing something so minimal, to all other eyes, could mean so much to him and remind him of Brian.

Jenny could see her father's approach and moved one kitchen table chair near the outlet on the wall.

"What did you decide we`d have?" Michael wiped a nervous hand over his face, trying to hide his heightened emotional state from Jenny.

Jenny scooted the chair back with her knees. "I changed my mind. I want French Toast instead."

" _We?"_ Michael teased as he walked over to plug in the hair dryer.

"*WE* what?" Jenny wasn't certain what her father meant to ask. He didn't have to have French Toast, too.

Michael chuckled, shaking his head at his sad attempt at humor. "It's French, honey. For the word *yes*." She still stared at him completely clueless. "Never mind." He plopped down in the chair, opening his legs for Jenny to slide into.

Jenny backed into the space between her father's legs, letting her hands grip his knee caps. "Daddy?" She scratched at her chin.

"Hmmm...." Michael tested the heat out of the hair dryer on his hand before he used it on Jenny's head. "Tilt down, Jen." Running his fingers through the back of her hairline, Michael brushed Jenny's hair upside down. He wanted to dry the underside first. He blew the warmth of the dryer on her wavy curls.

Jenny giggled at the tickles to her skin and scalp. Her fingers lay a death grip on her father's thighs. She turned in his hold, soon he would flip the mass of hair back over. She wanted to ask him something important, but wasn't sure how to bring it up in simple conversation.

Michael paused in his blow drying as he flipped Jenny's curls back to their correct position. Momentarily, she looked like she'd stuck her fingers in a light socket. He lightly chuckled, fluffing out the curls into some order with his fingers. "Ponytail or braid?"

Jenny shrugged, her mind on other things right now. "Surprise me. I want something different."

"Different? Jen, I could very well go get the scissors and be done with this whole mess." Michael teased Jenny as she slapped his leg.

"Daddy, no! Mommy would kill you."

"Tell me about it." Michael raised an eyebrow in curiosity. On low heat, he brought over the roller brush and began straightening out Jenny's hair.

"Daddy?" Jenny asked again in a louder voice over the hairdryer.

"Yeah?"

"Do you miss your daddy?"

Michael shut off the hairdryer. His eyes squinted toward Jenny's face, trying to speculate why she was so curious. "Yes."

"Do you think Brian misses his daddy, too?"

Michael shook his head. "Brian lost his father years before he actually passed away. I'm sure he thinks he did fine without one. In some deep dark place... I do think he does miss the *image* of what his father should have been."

Jenny slowly nodded her head, in understanding. "I guess I'm lucky then, huh? `Cause I got two?" She leaned forward, messing with the zipper dangling in the center of her father's chest.

Michael didn't know how to respond. "You're very lucky, Jen. Why are you suddenly wondering about me and Brian's fathers?" He squeezed her tighter between his legs, securing his arms about her little waist.

Jenny shrugged, not sure she even knew. "I don't know. I guess it kinda 'splains something different about you two... like..." She bit her top lip, unsure if her father wanted to hear her silly thoughts.

Michael gently shook Jenny to let out what she had to say. "Like what?"

"Like... uh, something was missing and Brian filled it in you... and you filled the missing pieces in Brian." Jenny lifted her chocolate eyes to look into her father's. "I don't really know... I could be wrong. I'm sorry." She was ashamed of voicing her thoughts out loud.

Michael leaned over to press his face to Jenny's forehead. "No. Don't be sorry... for anything you might ask me. I'm not afraid to answer something you're curious about. Just... sometimes... I find it difficult to explain why Brian and I feel the way we do about one another."

"Why not?"

"`Cause some people don't believe in the kind of love we have for one another. They see it more like... well, like a family kinda love... like a brother to a brother."

Jenny made a funny face at her father. "I don't know many brothers who would act like you two do around one another."

"See..." Michael sighed, shaking his head. "How come YOU... a soon-to be six year-old... can easily comprehend my relationship with Brian better then any adult?"

"I do?"

"You figured out our secret."

Jenny had a tiny, growing smile on her lips. "I did... really?"

"Oh... yeah... you explained Brian and I perfectly... thank you..." Michael pressed a series of kisses on Jenny's cheek, pulling her closer.

"Daddy... come on... finish with my hair before it tangles..." Jenny was a little embarrassed by how much her father loved being affectionate with her. At times doubting her own worth, except when she looked into his eyes. Her father looked at Brian in much the same way.

Michael sifted the strands through his fingers to check for dampness before he began to do the hairstyle Jenny trusted him to choose. He grinned as he was pulling out the two scrunchies that would hold the hair up. He parted her dark hair down the middle, pulled every layer into one clump, then swooped it into one scrunchie. As he pulled the hair through, he stopped. He did the same on the other side. "There... that's pretty neato... different..." He couldn't help laughing at how cute Jenny looked with two massively sized clumps of hair on either side of her head.

Jenny looked like she had Princess Lea's cinnamon buns on her head. "Daddy... stop it..."

Pinching her cheeks together, Michael smooshed her tiny lips to move them for his own purposes. _**"Help me, Obi Wan, you're my only hope."**_ He puppeted his daughter to speak the line from Star Wars.

Jenny wasn't standing for her father's foolishness. She crossed her arms over her non-existent chest. "Why won't you...?"

"You never could quite get the hang of doing her hair, could you, Mikey?"

The voice that came from the kitchen opening, from the living room, startled father and daughter into stillness. They never heard the key in the lock, never heard the doors opening... didn't hear one peep.

Jenny was the first one to look over. "Brian..." She mumbled out and bolted out of her father's arms. She suddenly stopped in front of Brian, unsure of how to react.

Brian quickly dropped to one knee, sinking to Jenny's level. "Hey, munchkin." He had to snicker at Michael's humor with his daughter's hair. It was cute. He drew Jenny closer, pressing a series of kisses to Jenny's cheek as he picked her up in his arms. "Man... did I miss you?"

"No... No... no..." Jenny mumbled as she shook her head frantically, softly pounding on Brian's biceps to be set free. She wanted to be let down to the floor. "Put me down!"

Michael stood from his chair, ready to hold Jenny back or take her in his arms if she got emotional. What shocked him was how courageous Jenny seemed to have become.

The reaction took the *air* out of however Brian had planned on infiltrating their lives again.

Brian hadn't expected Jenny to be this upset with him. Problem was... she was just like her father and if her father had been angry or frustrated... Jenny also became so. He did put her down and let her go, but tried to keep hold of her little fingers. He remained on his one bended knee. "Don't keep it in, Jenny... you know you can tell me anything."

"I hate you..." Jenny spewed out in anger. She swiped at her one lone tear. It hurt her to say these words... and watch Brian react to them.

Michael stepped up toward them. "Jen, don't..."

Brian held up a hand. "Let her speak her mind, Michael. If we've taught her anything, in this life, it's to be glaringly honest... even if it hurts..." He dipped his head to look into Jenny's eyes.

Eyes that were like Michael's... aching and in pain...

_**Dear God...** _

Jenny sighed, shaking her head in befuddlement. "... but it didn't last long, `cause I love you more..." This time... Jenny was in control of the hug and holding. She walked right into Brian's arms. She embraced him close and rubbed his back. "I missed you, too..." She pulled back, keeping their noses nearly touching. "... are you here for good?" She was almost fearful of touching him, wondering if he'd flee at the sign of remaining somewhere permanently. She didn't want to be one of the many reasons why he became angry at his life.

"Yeah..." Brian smirked, his eyes serious and intent on Jenny's face. "Would you like that?"

"Very much so." Jenny sunk into Brian's easy embrace again. "But you'll have to ask someone else, too." She felt someone was missing. "Daddy, why won't you...?" She turned to find no one standing there. "Daddy?"

The only sound was the slam of the screen door on the back porch and the creaking shut of the wood paneling door.

Jenny faced Brian again. "He thought he'd lost you." She wanted to reassure him her father wasn't truly upset with him.

"I know. I was stupid." Brian meshed foreheads with Jenny.

Jenny was prepared to slip out of Brian's arms. "You gonna go get him?"

Brian held Jenny all that much tighter. "Nah... if memory serves... Michael likes the winter. Something about the snow, I guess... who knows. All I do know is... he's never the same when he returns, even if it's simply five minutes." Brian shrugged, walking toward the window looking onto the backyard. He wanted one sight of Michael before he went into the living room. Even though he spoke brave words, he sure didn't feel assured on in the inside. "C'mon... let me finish the mess your father made of your beautiful hair." He twisted around to head into the living room.

The temperature was dropping outside. Brian hoped Michael would have enough sense to come in from the cold, sooner or later.  


**~~ &&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~**

  
Michael furiously wiped at the tears on his face. Didn't bode well to be mopey around Brian. He had to get himself together before he confronted Brian. Problem was he didn't feel much like *confronting* Brian. The past, between them... whether shitty or pleasant... had always been that... IN the past. Made no sense to rehash what had already happened to only screw with it again. Half the time neither one remembered the correct things done, the right words said... someone ended up being wrong. 

Crossing his arms over his chest, Michael gazed across the newly white back yard. His eyes zeroed in on a familiar face still remaining in the distance.

"Dad..." Michael closed his eyes tightly.

_"You doubt yourself, again. How could I NOT show up?"_ The vision was leaning up against a metal wall. 

"I'm sorry."

_"Nothing to be sorry for... he's back... He always seems to come back when you want him bad enough."_

"I don't simply *want* him this time. I seem to physically *need* him, especially... lately..."

_"Why?"_

"The more I distance myself from him, or at least try to... the more I realize we were meant to be. Is it right for me to ache when he's gone, like a part of myself is missing? Is it right for me to need him in order to function some days? Is it right to desire someone so much in your life you'd be willing to sacrifice way too much... for just a smidgen of time with them?"

_"I wouldn't really know that, Michael. You tell me. How does it feel? Do you think it's... what's that word you like to use... *sane*... to be so connected to one person?"_

"It's the only form of sanity I've known..." Michael laughed outright even though nothing about the admission was remotely funny.

_"And?"_

"And... uh... and..." Michael blinked his eyes open, staring ahead to find his once-believed father's image standing before him. He swallowed with difficulty, not truly comprehending that the vision of his father would be confidant enough to stand directly in front of him. "Hi..." He let out breathlessly, one side of his mouth quirking up.

The vison's hand came out to cup Michael's cheek. _"You know the truth about me now, that I'm not really your father. I couldn't stop that from happening. I can't believe you won't let me go... that easily. You have a flesh-n-blood biological father... yet you still seem to want me... need me. I don't know what more I can do for you, Michael. I won't tell you anything more then... I'm as real as you need me to be. I've come to realize that you believe in Brian almost exactly the way you believe I DID exist... even knowing I was never really yours to have. That's a powerful human trait to own... limitless love, care and understanding. You two get IT now... there no more for me to say other then... he finally knows where he belongs... and so do you."  
_  
Michael closed his eyes and nodded, biting his bottom lip. He tentatively put out his palm to feel the man standing near him. The chest did feel solid and real... so he stepped cautiously forward and he secured his arms about his once-believed father... one last time... "This is your goodbye, isn't it?"

The vision tried to remain emotionless, clearing his throat. _"I introduced you two once before... strange how freeing it was to re-introduce you two again. I brought him back to you, Michael..."_ He began to pull Michael from his arms. _"Go to him... now... please..."_ He wasn't sure if he continued to hold Michael that he wouldn't fall apart on the ground.

"What you gave me... in times of need... made me the man you see before you... and the father I always dreamed of having..." Michael managed to choke out, holding open his arms for his once-believed father to critique.

_"No other father could be more proud, son."_ The vision caressed Michael's cheek in a finality that rocked him to weaken in the knees. _"I won't be far... just not as visible."_

__"When I least expect it?'

_"That's my boy."_ The vision gave the old father-to-son biceps punch that sent Michael into a fit of giggles. 

Michael reopened his eyes to see the vision was right back in the distance. "Dad... wait..."

_"Don't worry. You and I still have Jenny to raise... and you never know... I might pop in on Gus once-n-awhile... to knock some sense into that stubborn Kinney head, keep him in line."_ The vision walked into an open doorway, as if he was jumping onto a Greyhound bus. 

Michael read the fictional name of the bus company... and nearly peed his pants, holding his belly.

The vision softly tipped his cap and disappeared in the mist of falling snow.

Michael cleared his throat, the finality of this moment quiet jarring. He picked up his hand to wave. "Bye, Dad... love you..." He shut his eyes to try and wish himself back into the house. He didn't know if he had strength enough to make one more move. "Fuuuuuucccckk meeeee..."

"I will... later... but you have to come inside the house and out of this fuckin' freezing cold, Michael!" Brian stomped his foot on the back cement steps, kicking snow out of his way. He was waiting for Michael to stop chatting with himself.

Michael wiped his sleeves under his eyes and turned to come back into the house. He slid on by Brian and went directly into the kitchen.

Brian groaned, cracked his neck and sighed heavily.

This was going to be one long day.  


**~~ &&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~**

  
"Go to your room!" Michael grumbled loudly as he stormed into the house. 

Jenny swiveled from her perch at the table. "What did I do?"

Michael used his parental index finger toward Jenny. "Not you, Jen..." The back screen door and wooden door shut altogether blocking out the chill. "... YOU!"

Brian placed a hand on his chest. "What?"

Jenny chuckled behind her hands, mischief in her eyes.

Michael turned to push his chest against Brian's, forcing Brian to walk backwards to hit the wall. "Go to your room!"

"Huh? What did I do?" Brian wasn't sure how to take all this venom being thrown at him unexpectedly. It was bad enough trying to take Jenny's anger.

Michael's face met Brian's. "Did I stutter?"

"Guest or master bedroom?" Brian wanted to be sure to clarify. "Which room is exactly *mine*?" He yelled back into Michael's face.

"The one I'll be in..." Michael hoped that answered Brian's question.

"Fine. Excuse me." Brian billowed out his chest, matching Michael's bravery. He shoved Michael aside. "I have some unpacking to do." He walked over to teasingly pat Jenny's perfectly braided hair he'd worked on while Michael had played in the snow. "I'll see you up there... Mister Novotny."

"Don't wait up, Mister Kinney. I may be awhile." Michael brought out the loaf of bread, showing Brian that he might just take his leisurely time in making Jenny some breakfast.

Brian's mouth remained open for only a minute before he swiveled, simply turning around to leave the kitchen, stomping up the stairs like a child being grounded or punished.

Jenny scrunched her brow in worry. "Daddy, you don't have to make me breakf-..."

Michael let the smile out easily. He put out a hand for Jenny to keep silent. "Sshhh... wait... 4, 3, 2,..."

The master bedroom door slammed shut.

Michael chuckled, shaking his head at being able to predict Brian's actions so well. "What were you saying, Jen?"

"I was just gonna say... there's always cereal. I can make it myself and you don't have to help me."

"Really? You'd do that for me?" Michael bent low to kiss Jenny's forehead. "Okay... well, then let me at least make you some toast to go with the cereal. I still want Brian to stew."

"Daddy... you're mean." Jenny shook her head at the hilarity of her father and Brian. Their arguments were even more entertaining.

"I know, but he deserves it." Michael brought over a clean bowl, a spoon and two boxes of cereal for Jenny to choose from.

"Really?"

"No." Michael shook his head to answer. He looked inside the fridge to pull out the milk.

"I didn't think so." Jenny chuckled as she began to open up the sugary sweet cereal she liked.

Both father and daughter could hear the pacing from upstairs.

Brian was furious, probably ranting and raving as he paced.

Michael tried to ignore the noises as he moved to the toaster, placing two slices inside and pressing down on the lever. He was getting awful fidgety. He traveled back to the fridge to find butter and jelly.

"Daddy..."

"Yup?" Michael continued to stare into the fridge, making sure he wouldn't forget anything else. He brought out orange juice, too.

"Go." Jenny shooed him away with the flick of her wrist. "I can take care of my toast."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

Michael grabbed Jenny's head in between his hands and smooched her face good. "I love you, Jen."

Jenny made a face of disgust. "I know, Daddy. Take all the time you need."

"Thanks." Michael petted the french braid that Brian had given Jenny.

The style was actually quite excellent work.

Michael was impressed to say the least.

"You'll owe me." Jenny said loud enough for her father to hear on his way through the living room.

On his way upstairs, Michael snickered. "Don't I know it."  


**~~ &&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~&&~~**

  
Brian was throwing his clothes off into certain areas, not really caring where they fell, only as long as they came out of his suitcase. He heard the footsteps, saw the doorknob turn. He walked over, arms crossed over his chest. "Well, if it isn't..." 

Michael put out his hand. He shut the bedroom door, throwing the locking mechanism.

Brian's brow crinkled in wonder. What the hell was Michael...? He stood at the end of the bed. "Whoa... Michael... I..."

Michael placed a finger over his lips to shush Brian, then he leaned on the door to reach over his shoulder and shut the lights off.

"Michael... what the fuck...?"

Shrouded in complete darkness, Michael found the courage to step forward... finally the one in control of the relationship. "I want you to undress..." His voice came out sounding like there was confidence there that clearly wasn't if the lights were on.

"What are you... uhffff!!..." Brian was pushed, sent down to land on the mattress behind his legs. He bounced around, but was soon held down by the weight of Michael on his chest. "Michael? Christ..." He felt the licks and sucks about his neck veins and muscles. "... you're a freakin' savage..."

Straddling Brian's hips, Michael grabbed the thin wrists in his grip, holding them above Brian's head. One hand holding the arms, Michael ran the other hand down Brian's chest, playfully. "I can rid you of these clothes, if you can't..."

"I can. I just don't understand what's going on." Brian tried to arch up to press his lips against Michael's laughing mouth. He needed a taste of Michael or he'd surely burst. He was confused by the anger downstairs, but even more so by the sexually charged mammal trying to rip his clothes off. He chalked it up to sexual frustration more then anything.

"Don't you know... it's the restitution I seek..."

Brian let out a shocked breath. "This soon?"

"Soon enough, don't you think, Brian?" Michael began working on removing his own clothes.

"Oh... I have to agree... though, I think... it's more like right on time..." Brian tried to sit up and sculpt Michael's thin shape in his hands, tweaking the protruding nipples ready for attention.

The once best friends paused... heaving huge sighs of relief... savoring one another's closeness, breathing in each other's essence. Their shaking fingers reached for each others' clothes... soon laying entwined on top of the covers, rolling about.

One on top, the other choosing to bottom, but then the bottom would desire to top and one would think the struggle would ensue to overpower or overtake. They settled on laying on their sides, facing one another, legs entangled, pelvises melding... trying to find a comfortable position to seek completion in.

They had several false starts... eventually coming to realize that practice ALWAYS made perfect.  


**==========THE END==========**


End file.
